March 22, 81th day of 2009
So to continue with my flashbacks, I should probably talk about the driving force of all teenage girls' lives: boys.
When I stopped writing, I was hanging out with Ryan. Since my latest entries haven't been gushing with his praises, one is correct to guess that that is no longer occurring.
I don't think I ever truly liked Ryan...he was very convienent and he was willing to take me out to dinner and the movies on a regular basis. I was very bored with my life at the time, and pretty much hated most parts of it. I do really dumb things when I am bored. This time, I blew off one of my good friends to hang out with her ex boyfriend...yea I was horrible. While hanging out with Ryan, I got to sense that Marisa was kind of right him. He was clingly and controlling. Two things I can't just handle. I also had this gut feeling that he was feeding me a ton of lies. Well, I stuck it out until after my cousin's wedding and then Ryan had to go. I tried to put it as nicely as possible that I didn't want to see him anymore. I told him that too many people thought we were dating, and I really wanted to be single. This was all true, though not my real reasons for not wanting to hang out with him anymore. He didn't quite get the picture at first...he kept calling me and anytime I had to see him...he asked when we could hang out again. So, I put on the drastic cold shoulder for awhile. Now we talk, and we are friends, which is good. I have always like him as a friend, so I didn't like shutting him out...he just wasn't what I needed in a guy.
Since Ryan, I have gone through a period of self relfection (as other entries have shown). I am really on the fence about guys and relationships. On one hand, I have a lot of goals and dreams for myself that make it hard to think about a serious relationship. On the other, I am sick of doing the casual fling thing. I am ready to trust and to love someone else. I don't want to date a lot of people either. I am the type of person that if I am going to call you my boyfriend, I am already starting to fall in love with you and I expect it to be a significant relationship. I am not the type of person that knows a guy for a week and calls him my boyfriend. I need to have a few casual dates and some good one on one time before I will think of a label. So my plan of action with Men is to just trust God, he will bring me to the right relationships and ultimately to the Mr. Right.
I am interested in one guy currently. He is someone I have been semi-interested in for years. This year we have gotten to spend more time together and I started to really like him. We have a flirty friendship and we talk almost everyday. He always has a way to make me smile and usually blush. I have no clue what will happen with him, but I am just living day by day and enjoying the time we spend together.
Well that is pretty much it, my love life has not been eventful...but I have no problems with that. I am willing to wait for the right person to come along and in the mean time I am very happy living the life I have.
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March 9, 68th day of 2009
So in my past entries I did write briefly about working at MRJ's but i figured I should go into a bit more detail since it took up a huge portion of my summer.
I started working there last April and it was a lot tougher than I thought. I just couldn't get a handle of things. It was my first job ever, but just seemed to suck at it. So, my hours decreased and decreased on the schedule, which of course frustrated me as well as gave me less time to get better. I also started working with Danielle, my once best friend in early high school who turned into one of my biggest enemies. I couldn't believe my luck. Well, my coworkers convinced my boss to just give me more hours on the schedule and they would all work with me. They did and I got much better at handling work. I think it was mostly because I was totally clueless when it came to the idea of working. I had just been a spoiled only child for far too long. Working with Danielle went suprisingly well. We had both grown up and no longer had all the high school drama following us. We first had to tolerate each other in order to work together, but soon we became friends again. I am so glad that we were thrown together like that, because we probably just would have gone on hating each other. Now, we are really good again.
While I was improving, Angie hired another person who we all soon began to hate. She wouldn't do anything like she was taught to and she tried to run the place. She would do everything over while closing because it wasn't how she would do it or worse yet, "the streaks weren't all going the same way on the stainless steel" She was annoyingly perky and thought she was perfect. She once told me that she wasn't capable of talking about another person behind his/her back...she was just too good of a person to do such a thing. But, I must mention that she talked about each of us to whoever she was working with at the time. This was a real bad idea because the rest of us were a tight bunch. Needless to say, we slowly blocked her out of the group and just stopped talking to her unless we needed to. Yea, we probably sound like a bunch of catty girls, but we were all females working together...it was bound to happen. But with Becky constantly trying to find a way in by trying to start shit between the rest of us, it was just easier to not speak to her.
Even through the drama, we all ended up having a great time working last summer. We loved to jam out to music and find faboulous ice cream combinations. We are all still fairly close, well we try. One of still goes to high school, one goes to temple and the rest of us are at Mansfield, but have conflicting schedules. We did have a meeting this past saturday about when we would re-open and creating our schedules. It was a wonderful reunion! We are all coming back next year, with the exception of Becky, and we can't wait for our ice cream store to open! All of us became heavily addicted to ice cream last summer and we are all dying to get a spoonful of our favorites.
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March 7, 66th day of 2009
So last night after posting, I went back through and read all of my past entries. It took quite a long time, but I really enjoyed it. Some entries made me laugh and some entries made me cry. Each entry that had a strong emotion brought the same emotion back to me instantly. Its kind of nice to have a written record of growing up.
I had always considered myself a rational person that thought with her head and didn't feel much with her heart. After reading, I realize that is so not the case. I am a very passionate person. When I am mad, I fill with rage. When I am sad, I can't think about anything else. And when I am in love, I really do love with all that I have. Its so weird to me that I have never really picked up on that before. Even when I thoughts, like about my future, I was passionate about what I wanted. Some of those entries made me laugh because I wanted to run away and never look back. How much has changed since then. I still want to be well educated and experience as much as possible. But little ole Troy has truly captured my heart. As much as I hate it sometimes, my life seems to gravitate around it. I don't know if that will always be the case, because I can't predict the future. But atleast for now, there is no place I would rather be.
I guess before now, I never realized how much of a front I put up. I don't necessarily believe I am a fake person. I guess reserved and untrusting are better choices. I contain my passionate emotions, I let people believe I am a rational person that doesn't let her emotions get the best of her. It takes a lot for me to break down and show raw emotion to other people. Now I have had many instances where I have completely broke down. My junior year of high school was full of them. I never wish upon anyone what my family went through. I still look at my grandma as my hero. She showed so much inner strength. When we lost her, we lost what held my family together. She was our center; its been 3 years since we lost her, but there isn't a day that goes by where I don't wish I could have her to rely on. I believe her illness and death cause my first break down. It was my first real experience of immense pain and sadness. The death of my Aunt Karen only five months later caused another breakdown. I remember crashing vividly because I was at cheerleading practice and was told Karen was brain dead. To put prom in this category almost seems pathetic now, but when I was 16...being ditched 4 days before prom was enough to cause another break down. I just felt like I coudn't catch a break anywhere.
Though I didn't have complete emotional break downs (I had a few small ones) last year at Lock Haven was probably the second worst year of my life. I just had a slow sprial into depression. I just couldn't find happiness and felt like I never would again. I lived through it all, but I don't think I realized then how much I didn't want to live through it anymore. Not belonging somewhere and still being forced to stay there is tough. Throw all the stress of college on top of that and I hardly ever got out of bed besides for class and food. In my state at LHU, I realized how much I still loved my ex boyfriend. It took me the entire year to put that aside and move on. Like I said, when I love, I love with all of my heart, and I didn't have anything to look forward to at Lock Hell, so I continued to dwell on my past happiness. I would honestly not describe me as happy again until I got settled into Mansfield.
I know I still have a lot of growing up to do, after all I am 19...I still have no clue what the world has in store for me. But I have really come a long way since I started writing on Nutang during my sophmore year of high school. I really wish I would have written more consistently, but I can't change that now. Writing lost its appeal to me for awhile. I just didn't want to remember how I felt or care to express it for that matter.
I have finally come to a point in my life where I have learned to happy with what I have. I have a great family and amazing friends. I have many gifts and talents that I probably don't deserve. I really owe my life to God, in so many ways. Not only did he create me, but he has saved me over and over again. My faith has kept me going when nothing else could. My faith has also taught me to look for the good and not focus on the bad. I still have a hard time trusting people, but I have finally learned to put total trust in God. And it has worked well so far. I have never been in a place in my life where I was searching for something more. Now, I am content being me, just as I am.
Wow, this has been a really long, self reflective entry. I am doing well with the writing again. I plan on keeping writing about things that I left out in my past, and might actually get to the present at some point.
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March 6, 65th day of 2009
So i am obviously devoting this entry to my grandpa. He has been through a lot in the last year.
In late July, my grandpa had a heart attack. He was 80 years old, and though he never had high cholesterol before, I was terrified. My grandparents have always lived in the downstairs of my house. Both of my parents work full time, so my grandparents pratically raised me. Now that I am older, I call them my church parents because I still attend church with them every Sunday while my mom goes to the church she was raised in and my father stays at home. When I get married, I want my grandpa and my dad to walk me down the aisle. Though I was told he would be okay, I was just horrified that something might happen to him.
My grandpa had 3 stents put in and was in the hospital for 9 days. It was a long 9 days. I don't think you realize how much a person fits into your life until they aren't around. My family is like a puzzle, and we were just not complete without him there. But, he did come home.
In the first week of September, my grandpa went back into surgery for a more permanent, bypass surgery. Once again, I stressed. I have realized how much I stress about everything...I used to be so carefree. Now, I constantly obsess about everything, and I mean everything. Anyway, my grandpa's surgery was successful. He spent another week in the hospital for recovery. Finally, he came home for good.
Now, my grandpa is doing well. He went to through physical therapy, changed his diet and has lost weight. He will never be 100% again. But, he is doing as good as expected.
Through everything, I have realized how much I love and need my grandparents. I didn't write about it before, but last winter my grandpa had pneumonia and my grandma broke her ankle after falling on our icy driveway. Then once things were going well again, my grandpa had his heart attack. Its been rough, but they have come through it. I absolutely love my grandparents. I owe so much to them and I am so glad I live with them.
Well that is my entry on my grandparents. I plan to keep writing about other things later.
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