So last night after posting, I went back through and read all of my past entries. It took quite a long time, but I really enjoyed it. Some entries made me laugh and some entries made me cry. Each entry that had a strong emotion brought the same emotion back to me instantly. Its kind of nice to have a written record of growing up.
I had always considered myself a rational person that thought with her head and didn't feel much with her heart. After reading, I realize that is so not the case. I am a very passionate person. When I am mad, I fill with rage. When I am sad, I can't think about anything else. And when I am in love, I really do love with all that I have. Its so weird to me that I have never really picked up on that before. Even when I thoughts, like about my future, I was passionate about what I wanted. Some of those entries made me laugh because I wanted to run away and never look back. How much has changed since then. I still want to be well educated and experience as much as possible. But little ole Troy has truly captured my heart. As much as I hate it sometimes, my life seems to gravitate around it. I don't know if that will always be the case, because I can't predict the future. But atleast for now, there is no place I would rather be.
I guess before now, I never realized how much of a front I put up. I don't necessarily believe I am a fake person. I guess reserved and untrusting are better choices. I contain my passionate emotions, I let people believe I am a rational person that doesn't let her emotions get the best of her. It takes a lot for me to break down and show raw emotion to other people. Now I have had many instances where I have completely broke down. My junior year of high school was full of them. I never wish upon anyone what my family went through. I still look at my grandma as my hero. She showed so much inner strength. When we lost her, we lost what held my family together. She was our center; its been 3 years since we lost her, but there isn't a day that goes by where I don't wish I could have her to rely on. I believe her illness and death cause my first break down. It was my first real experience of immense pain and sadness. The death of my Aunt Karen only five months later caused another breakdown. I remember crashing vividly because I was at cheerleading practice and was told Karen was brain dead. To put prom in this category almost seems pathetic now, but when I was 16...being ditched 4 days before prom was enough to cause another break down. I just felt like I coudn't catch a break anywhere.
Though I didn't have complete emotional break downs (I had a few small ones) last year at Lock Haven was probably the second worst year of my life. I just had a slow sprial into depression. I just couldn't find happiness and felt like I never would again. I lived through it all, but I don't think I realized then how much I didn't want to live through it anymore. Not belonging somewhere and still being forced to stay there is tough. Throw all the stress of college on top of that and I hardly ever got out of bed besides for class and food. In my state at LHU, I realized how much I still loved my ex boyfriend. It took me the entire year to put that aside and move on. Like I said, when I love, I love with all of my heart, and I didn't have anything to look forward to at Lock Hell, so I continued to dwell on my past happiness. I would honestly not describe me as happy again until I got settled into Mansfield.
I know I still have a lot of growing up to do, after all I am 19...I still have no clue what the world has in store for me. But I have really come a long way since I started writing on Nutang during my sophmore year of high school. I really wish I would have written more consistently, but I can't change that now. Writing lost its appeal to me for awhile. I just didn't want to remember how I felt or care to express it for that matter.
I have finally come to a point in my life where I have learned to happy with what I have. I have a great family and amazing friends. I have many gifts and talents that I probably don't deserve. I really owe my life to God, in so many ways. Not only did he create me, but he has saved me over and over again. My faith has kept me going when nothing else could. My faith has also taught me to look for the good and not focus on the bad. I still have a hard time trusting people, but I have finally learned to put total trust in God. And it has worked well so far. I have never been in a place in my life where I was searching for something more. Now, I am content being me, just as I am.
Wow, this has been a really long, self reflective entry. I am doing well with the writing again. I plan on keeping writing about things that I left out in my past, and might actually get to the present at some point.
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